So the depth ... period, has been a struggle. I haven't kept it in mind as much as I would have liked to, and I've definitely spread as wide at least as much as I've tried to dive deep. I also realized as I set up to write this that I forgot to put a date on the first blog post for this site, so I have no idea when the two months I mentioned there would end. Oops! Well the spirit of the thing, at least in my mind, is to take this as an opportunity to refocus.
My hope of spending lots of time working on this site unquestionably failed to manifest. I'm pretty sure that that first blog post is the most recent change I made. Since then I've also found several new video games I want to play, and a new craft hobby to fall into a research rabbit hole about (I can't afford to start it, yet, at least). I've also started to organize my media library as I leave subscription streaming services, which has inevitably led to expanding my collection. On the depth side though, I've also brought out two of my old craft hobbies and they're both still fun and fulfilling! Mending-focused sewing and crocheting are great things to occupy my hands while I listen to audio books or watch streams online, both of which I tend to do a lot of regardless of whether I'm sewing or crocheting.
And the job search, of course, continues as ever. Now that I'm applying to things again, I'm suddenly gripped by a terror that I've forgotten all my employable tech skills. I resent that capitalism puts me in a situation where the things I consider interesting but rarely compelling are forcibly seen as high value and what I 'have to' pursue. Programming, beyond playing with this site, definitely wouldn't be something I do much of if I didn't feel obligated to. I know (from experience!) that going down the tech work path when I don't like it much will just make me miserable, but hey. I like to eat. I could get a part-time to stretch my money but let's be real, we all know that they don't pay living wages even if they ever gave 40 hours. And I will not survive an unpredictable schedule. So then I've lost more time, feel worse, still have an axe over my neck, and still would feel the need to put unpaid time into researching skills I don't find compelling to help some rich fuck exploit people so that I can keep at least one person I love out of having to do the same, because it's breaking them like it broke me.
Do you ever want to just burn shit down?
Comments
This will never be implemented.